


Talk Me Down

by ColorfulStabwound



Series: Blue Neighborhood [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys In Love, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Death, Death Eaters, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Malfoy Manor, talk me down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5090918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulStabwound/pseuds/ColorfulStabwound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tale of two boys, as told by several different parties.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> The events contained herein stray from the master timeline that I have created with Unkissed, although I plucked details out to use at my own will. ;) 
> 
> This is depressing, No way around it. Grab a tissue and have a good cry, it really helps sometimes.
> 
> Endless worship and adoration my muse and partner in literary crime, Unkissed.

Lucius Malfoy has never really liked Thaddeus Nott. From the first moment they met at Hogwarts, Thaddeus had always been someone that Lucius barely tolerated. It had never been a rule that you had to actually _like_ your fellow Slytherins, but Lucius had been bred with manners and so he put up with the boy because he felt that it was the respectable thing to do. They were barely out of school when they, along with several others, joined the ranks of Death Eaters that would spend the better (or worse, depending on how one chose to look at it) part of their lives carrying out tasks for Voldemort that never quite gained them the footing that they’d hoped it would.  Lucius was a staunch supporter of the values that were upheld by his master and he firmly believed that the work he was doing was necessary. Much to Lucius’ dismay, Thaddeus was right there beside him every step of the way. It was natural selection to form a sort of kinship with the man; they were working so closely after all. Of course Lucius never _really_ got over his disdain for Thaddeus, but as they aged Lucius learned to appreciate him in his own way and would have even labeled the man as a friend.

 

When Lucius married Narcissa Black, Thaddeus was his best man, and Lucius returned the favor when Thaddeus in turn, wed Esperanza Amador.  By the time the two men were starting families the Dark Lord had fallen and they found themselves without a master for the first time in a long time.  The Death Eaters who retained their freedom were forced to absolve themselves in any way that they could, Lucius and Thaddeus, two of the few who were not sent to Azkaban. For his part, Lucius never quite gave up on the idea that his master would return. He held firm to his beliefs and found camaraderie in Thaddeus, who also shared his views. They would spend many years meeting weekly to discuss the old ways and talk poorly of the world as a whole. Lucius spent his time charming his way through the Ministry, which wasn’t nearly as difficult as it would have been for someone of less stature. Thaddeus took a slightly different route, but they were brothers in arms, and they offered one another the support to carry on under the radar of the watchful eyes and ears of the Ministry.

 

When Esperanza was killed, it was Lucius who offered a shoulder to Thaddeus, who wasn’t as distraught as Lucius thought he might be if it were Narcissa. It was the death of Thaddeus’ wife that set the events in motion that would forever change these two families, and although Lucius could not have known what was yet to come, he could not deny the air of unease he felt whenever Thaddeus was in his company from that day forward.

 

The two men continued to meet every week; only now Thaddeus began to bring his young son Theodore with him. The very first time Lucius Malfoy stared down his nose at a very meek looking seven year old Theodore, standing in his entry hall, he could not help but wrinkle his nose in distaste. He did not understand how any respectable man could allow his heir to be kept in such a state. Theodore was waifish and sallow and his trousers were a skosh too small. His dark hair was tangled and his shoes were scuffed, and the faint smudge of dirt on his cheek did not go unnoticed by Lucius’ haughty gaze.

 

When Thaddeus suggested that Theodore go and find Lucius’ son, Draco, Lucius could barely contain his revulsion at the very idea of his only child consorting with this boy.  Where Theodore was unkempt and neglected, Draco was showered with excess and wanted for nothing. From the moment he was born Draco was treated very much like royalty, and although Lucius could not deny that Narcissa’s coddling had undoubtedly made the boy a bit soft, he was a proud father all the same.

 

Lucius watched with a raised brow as Theodore clung to his father’s trouser leg, his startlingly blue eyes peering out from behind Thaddeus’s traveling cloak. He remained silent as Thaddeus scolded the boy for being disobedient, even going as far as to shove his son away from him as if even _he_ knew that Theodore was a disgrace. Lucius watched as the elder Nott raised his hand to the younger Nott, unable to hide the amused smirk that curled the corners of his mouth upwards. Children needed discipline, Lucius would be the very first to tell you so, and if Thaddeus could not control his own son, well then perhaps Lucius had been correct in his disdain for the man, all those years ago.

 

When Lucius could take no more of the boy’s pathetic whimpering he cleared his throat and commanded the attention of both Notts.  “Draco is in the Library, taking his reading lesson. I’m sure he would be quite pleased to receive you.” Lucius’ voice was cold and indifferent and his eyes were fixed firmly enough on young Theodore that the boy could not help but squirm beneath the scrutinizing gaze.  He gestured to a hallway to the left of the staircase where the open door of the Library could be found about halfway down.

 

“Go on then, boy. Don’t be disrespectful now.” Thaddeus shoved Theodore away from his side as he spoke and he offered Lucius an apologetic smile because he was embarrassed. Theodore would pay for the disobedience that he displayed that day in Malfoy Manor, and every day after that he repeated this scene.

 

Theodore bowed his head and tugged at the hem of his soiled traveling cloak. “Yes father.” He murmured meekly before shuffling out of the entry hall and heading around the grand staircase towards the open doors. When he was gone, Thaddeus offered Lucius a formal apology for his son’s behavior and then the two men ascended the stairs and locked themselves inside of Lucius’ private study for the remainder of the afternoon.

 

The walk to the Library was like pure torture to Theodore; each step another inch closer to hell.  He didn’t want to be here and he certainly did not want to play nice with Lucius Malfoy’s son, who he was certain would be just as monstrous as his father. Theodore was used to feeling alone, he’d essentially been raising himself since his mother had passed, but the feeling he got as he walked through the high-vaulted halls of Malfoy Manor made him shiver and hug himself.  The flicker of candlelight bounced off the highly polished floors from the open doors of the library and the heat from the massive fireplace made the space just outside the room feel warm and inviting. Theodore paused on the threshold and peered inside, wide eyes scanning every inch of the space that he could see. He wiped at his nose with the sleeve of his cloak and chewed nervously on his bottom lip. He very much wanted to turn around and run, but the promise of punishment from his father was enough to squash that idea. Theodore was still much too small to revolt against Thaddeus, but that too would change—One day.

 

“Have you come to join Draco in the Library?” Narcissa had suddenly and silently appeared behind Theodore and her gentle voice in his ear startled him enough that he yelped in quiet surprise. When he turned around and peered up at her he had to blink several times to ensure he wasn’t dreaming. Narcissa Malfoy looked like an angel, or at least the version of angels that Theodore had in his head. She wore a halo a golden hair in a neat ring around her head and her skin was the color of fresh cream. She looked soft and unreal and Theodore found that he could not readily speak in her presence. “It’s a pleasure to see you again, Theodore.” Narcissa smiled down upon him and the expression instantly flooded him with warmth. When she reached out to smooth his hair down he shied away from her, which made her red-stained lips pull down into a frown. “You have your mother’s eyes.” She said, offering him another disarming smile that instantly set him at ease. This time when she reached for him he did not shy away, and when she held out her hand for him, he took it and she felt just as warm as he imagined she would.

 

“Draco darling, you have a visitor.” Narcissa’s voice was melodic and ethereal and Theodore found that he could not look away from her, which is why he did not readily see the fair-haired boy who was scowling in his direction.

 

“Theodore, this is Draco.” She smiled down at him in that warm way again, and when her gaze shifted to the chair by the fireplace, his eyes followed.

 

For a long moment neither boy said anything at all. Theodore stared wide-eyed at Draco and Draco glared at Theodore with an expression that was eerily similar to his father’s. “Would you like me to bring you a book?” Narcissa was speaking to him again and he tore his gaze away from Draco to gaze back up at her. Theodore nodded silently and she smiled and escorted him to the vacant chair to the left of Draco’s seat.

 

Draco watched the exchange between Theodore and his mother through narrowed eyes. Of course he had been told that the Nott boy would be coming for a visit, and although his father had made it _very_ clear that he was to entertain Theodore, Lucius had never said that Draco had to like it.  His slate gaze followed Theodore as he climbed up into the seat on his left and when he was certain that his mother was out of earshot he leaned closer to Theodore’s chair, grinning maliciously. “You smell weird.” He hissed quietly, and when Theodore blinked at him, Draco wondered if perhaps the boy was a bit slow in the head.   “You smell like a stable.” Draco announced a bit more loudly, wrinkling his nose and waving a hand in front of his face. 

 

“What have I told you about manners, Draco darling?” Narcissa’s was suddenly standing beside Draco’s chair and peering down at him, not with anger, Theodore noted wondrously, but with love clearly in her eyes. 

 

Draco snorted and rolled his eyes. “I can’t help it mother, you know I’m allergic to straw.” Draco offered his mother a sweet smile that earned him a soft hand against the top of his head and another warm smile.

 

“Play nice, angel. Theodore is your friend, and we always treat our friends with respect.” Narcissa leaned down to press a kiss to Draco’s forehead, which he instantly rubbed impatiently at. Theodore watched as Narcissa shook her head and laughed fondly at her son’s antics, feeling highly out of place and wishing he could just go home.

 

“I’ll send Dobby round in a bit with some lunch and tea. Mind your reading for another half hour.” Narcissa smiled at them both before she swept delicately from the Library and Theodore could not help but watch her in awe. He wondered how such a beautiful woman like Narcissa Malfoy could tolerate being locked up inside this big old house with her horrible husband and equally horrible son. Of course he had only just been introduced to Draco, but that did not stop Theodore from silently vowing to make the younger Malfoy’s life as miserable as possible every chance he got. Theodore was angry that a spoiled brat such as Draco took his mother for granted when he himself would give anything in the world to have his own mother back. He was angry that Esperanza had left him behind to be raised at the hands of his father, and he was not nearly old enough to understand that it was not his fault. Theodore would spend many years torturing himself over the absence of his mother, never quite able to overcome that scared and angry little boy that lived inside of him.

 

Draco and Theodore did not form the friendship that their parents thought they would that day, or any day soon after that. Draco was selfish and cruel and a terribly poor sport, and Theodore was much too stubborn to feel anything other than dislike for him.

 

When they played board games Draco always cheated and when they played hide and find in the third floor corridors, Theodore could never find a good enough hiding spot that Draco couldn’t easily locate. They were the epitome of rivals and it would be several months before this changed. Draco was escorting Theodore down one winding path after another inside of his mother’s garden when they happened upon the Topiary hidden within the walls of flowers and curious looking blooms that neither boy knew the proper names for. Theodore was instantly taken with the large animals sculpted from shrubbery, and even Draco’s smug warning about the animals that moved when you weren’t looking did not disillusion him.

 

Despite Draco’s warning Theodore darted inside of the topiary garden and hid from him, the first chance he got. Of course Draco would have very much liked to leave Theodore in the garden by himself and return to the castle for biscuits and tea, but he knew that his father would punish him severely if any harm came to the other boy.  By the time Draco found Theodore sprawled out on his back in the soft grass behind the topiary animals, his anger and annoyance had given way to fear. For the briefest moment Draco thinks that Theodore looks dead, and it is not until he stops just beside the other boy, that he realizes that Theodore is just sleeping.  For a long time Draco said nothing at all, taking the opportunity to peer down his nose at Theodore, who looked much less like an insufferable know-it-all when he slept than he did awake. It frustrated Draco to have this boy around so often. Theodore upset Draco’s perfectly constructed life in so many ways that Draco often found himself having a tantrum in his room, long after Theodore had returned to his own home with his father. Draco didn’t _want_ a friend, least of all an unkempt and uncouth friend like Theodore Nott. He knew that his father expected him to entertain Theodore just as Lucius himself did with Thaddeus, but he was much too young to understand that doing things you did not enjoy was all part of being a proper pureblood heir.

 

“I don’t like you.” Draco muttered as he nudged the other boy with the toe of his polished shoe, his entire face pulled down into a frustrated scowl.

 

When Theodore opened his eyes to peer up at Draco, neither boy said anything at all, and it wasn’t until Draco couldn’t take it and stalked away that Theodore finally sat up and brushed stray blades of grass from his hair. 

 

Draco would never know how much his statement had wounded Theodore because, despite his loathing of the other boy, Theodore found that he actually cared that Draco did not like him.  He stared after Draco’s retreating form, silently wondering why he felt so disappointed inside. Draco Malfoy was a spoiled brat and everything that Theodore never wanted to be, so why did Theodore care so much if Draco liked him?  “Wait for me,” Theodore called over his shoulder as he scrambled out of the topiary garden after Draco, who was stalking back towards the manor by the time he caught up to him.

 

“Why should I?” Draco muttered without stopping, his hands balled into tight fists at his side. Like Theodore, Draco was struggling inside with his feelings for the other boy. His need to please Theodore and gain his approval had been slowly eating him alive and it did nothing but frustrate him that the other boy still looked down upon him.

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Theodore said, slightly out of breath as he caught up and fell into step beside the other boy.

 

“Why should I care if you get killed in the garden?” Draco did his very best impersonation of his father, even going as far as to sneer sidelong at Theodore beside him. 

 

The look on Draco’s face was enough to make Theodore choke on the guilt that he was suddenly feeling. Without thinking he reached out and grabbed Draco’s arm, halting them both right in the middle of the sprawling lush grounds covering Malfoy Estate. “I’m sorry,” He said a bit more quietly, peering directly at Draco, whose haughty expression seemed to falter just a little bit.

 

For a long time Draco did not respond at all. He stared at Theodore and wondered what it was about the other boy that maddened him like nothing else. He could not understand what he was feeling because he had never experienced anything like this before. This was not exactly the type of thing that was taught in one of the countless lessons that Draco partook in on a daily basis. “Will you fence with me?” Draco asked finally, breaking the silence that had grown between them with a question that Theodore thought slightly odd.

 

Theodore blinked at Draco, who looked hopeful and somehow amused too. Theodore didn’t yet know that fencing was something that Draco had been taught at a very early age, nor did he know that it was one of the few activities that Draco truly enjoyed. “I don’t know how.” Theodore said a bit more bashfully than intended, which earned him the first genuine smile that Draco Malfoy had ever afforded him.

 

“That’s okay, I’ll teach you.” Draco said, still smiling, and the expression was so disarming that Theodore made an internal vow to see Draco smile just like t _hat_ as often as possible.

 

Fencing was a difficult sport that Theodore was _not_ a natural at. If he wasn’t holding his sabre wrong, his stance was all off, and although he could think of many other things that he would rather be doing than fencing with Draco, he did it because he had finally accepted that fact that they were friends.

  
For his part, Draco was extremely patient with Theodore. He instructed the other boy with a calm air that was highly uncharacteristic of him. When Theodore was holding his sabre upside down Draco smiled and turned it right side up in the other boy’s grasp, and when Theodore couldn’t find the proper footing for a counter parry, Draco stepped up behind him and guided his movements to show him the way.  Their weekly visits quickly became weekly fencing matches and by the time a full year had passed, the two boys who couldn’t be more unalike had become the two boys who couldn’t stand to be apart.

 

Theodore’s birthday came in spring, and Draco thought long and hard about what to gift the other boy. He knew Theodore liked to read and that he often scribbled in the worn journal that he carried in his pocket. Draco wondered if Theodore might like

A fencing foil of his very own, but quickly dismissed the idea. He knew that the other boy didn’t _really_ like fencing and that he only did it because it pleased Draco.

 

In the end Draco had decided on a very rare and extremely delicate swan feather quill. Narcissa had escorted him to _Avenue des Ternes_ , where he spent much of the day searching the endless rows of shops until he found the perfect gift. On the morning of March fifteenth Draco had his mother take him to Luckington Manor for the very first time. In all the time he had known Theodore he had never once been to visit Nott Manor and he thought it high time that changed. Of course, Narcissa was apprehensive of allowing Draco to show up on anyone’s doorstep unannounced, but in the end she gave in because she could not deny her son for anything and she was also happy that he had finally managed to make a real friend.

  
After his mother had departed, Draco rapped the rusty brass doorknocker and waited, his gift now smartly wrapped in a black satin-lined box and concealed in his pocket.

 

After what seemed like an eternity Theodore himself answered the door, peering at Draco curiously. “What are you doing here?” He asked, forgetting his manners entirely.

Draco rolled his eyes dramatically as if the answer should have been obvious. “You didn’t think I’d let you spend your birthday alone, did you?” He raised his brows up high and ignored the bewildered expression that Theodore wore, huffing impatiently instead. “Are you going to let me in, or am I going to spend the day on this stoop?” Draco smirked as Theodore sprung to action and opened the door up wide enough for him to enter.

Luckington Manor was much like Malfoy Manor, although Draco could easily see the less-than-subtle differences. His parents kept his family home shining and dripping with purchases that boldly displayed their wealth, which wasn’t really the case in Theodore’s home. The structure was impressive, but also impressively neglected.  “So this is where you live.” Draco said as he followed Theodore up the stairs towards his room, slate gaze taking everything in.  Theodore was still confused by Draco’s visit because never once in the time they had known one another had Draco ever visited, and although he was secretly pleased for the attention, he somehow felt inadequate. “If I’d have known you were coming…” He glanced over his shoulder at Draco as they entered his modestly decorated room and offered him a nervous smile.  “And spoil the surprise?” Draco grinned as he plopped right down on Theodore’s unmade bed, which Theodore found oddly amusing somehow.  

“You brought me a surprise?” He asked as he shut the door and crossed the room towards Draco, taking up his own spot near the end of the bed.

“Aren’t I surprise enough?” Draco raised a brow and stared at him as if he was dead serious and the weight of his stare made Theodore’s feel infinitesimal.

“Sure, I mean. I didn’t expect anything, thanks for coming to visit me, you didn’t have to.” Theodore picked absently at the corner of his duvet and avoided Draco’s harsh gaze and for just a minute he knew what it felt like to feel small.

Draco rolled his eyes and waved a hand, head shaking dramatically as he spoke. “I hope you aren’t going to be this exciting the entire day. Don’t make me regret coming all the way over here.” He reached into his cloak pocket and pulled out a rectangular box tied neatly with a green bow, which he handed to Theodore. “This is for you, mother insisted on wrapping it up proper, but I picked it out.” Draco leaned back against the headboard and watched the other boy, who stared down at the small package in his hand curiously. “You brought me a present.” Theodore murmured so quietly that it could have been a whisper that made Draco smile that genuine smile again.

“Everyone should have at least one present on their birthday.” Draco said, and before he could spot the flush on Theodore’s cheeks, the other boy bowed his head and carefully untied the ribbon and opened his present.

 

This day marked the beginning of a tradition that Draco upheld every single year they were friends. Every year Draco would bring Theodore a gift and some chocolate cake and they would spend the day however they saw fit.

 

As time passed Draco and Theodore by, the growing realization that they were destined to become the tools of their two fathers became impossible to ignore. Lucius spent his free time grooming Draco to be a perfect heir in his own image. Countless hours were spent boring the old ways and the inescapable duties into Draco’s head. Every day Draco warred with who he wanted to be versus whom he was to become.

 

Theodore attributed his lack of respect for his father to the fact that he had lost his mother at such an early age. Unlike Lucius, Thaddeus spent his days berating and abusing his son, forcing his ideals and his rules upon Theodore until he felt as if he might simply shatter into a million pieces. Theodore never wanted to become the image of his father because he hated him, and as he got older it became easier to rebel.

 

It was the summer of his fifteenth year when Theodore admitted to himself that the bond he shared with Draco Malfoy was far beyond the bond he shared with anyone else. When he was around Draco he felt complete and happy in ways that lacked in every other aspect of his life. When he wasn’t _with_ Draco he was thinking about him, and it quickly became evident that he loved the other boy. Theodore knew that Draco was not nearly as strong as he was, and that he was far too influenced by Lucius to ever _truly_ break free, but it did not stop him from trying.

 

“Come on Draco, jump in, the water feels amazing.” Theodore was treading water in the lake at the far edge of Malfoy estate, grinning up at Draco, who was standing on the dock shaking his head. “I don’t…swim.” Draco replied thinly, taking a step back from the edge of the wood planked platform that overlooked the murky waters.

 

Theodore snorted and splashed a handful of water at Draco’s shoes playfully, which earned him a scowl and a colorful string of expletives that seemed to flow off of Draco’s tongue like a melody. The sun was fixed high up in the blue-sky overhead, bathing Draco in an ethereal glow that made him look like an angel in Theodore’s eyes. At that moment Theodore wanted nothing more than to tug Draco down into the cooling waters and wrap his arms around him, but he was afraid of rejection and so he tried to goad the other boy into jumping in on his own.

 

“You’re not scared, are you?” Theodore asked, arms gently moving beneath the surface of the water as he watched Draco carefully.

 

Draco sighed and rolled his eyes. He knew perfectly well what Theodore was doing, and it wasn’t going to work. He really didn’t swim or enjoy large bodies of water and there wasn’t anything that the other boy could say that would change his mind.  “I’m not scared.” Draco said, taking another couple of steps back until he was standing on solid ground again. “Suit yourself,” Theodore called from his spot in the water and then he was gone, disappearing beneath the surface just like the mermen Draco had read about in childhood stories.

 

Draco sat down beneath a large tree at the waters edge and watched Theodore in the water and when the other boy finally trudged up on the bank and dropped down beside him, they said nothing at all for a long time. “I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want to do.” Theodore said quietly in his ear, and when Draco turned his head enough to peer at him, Theodore was smiling.

 

“I know,” Draco murmured, and when Theodore folded his waterlogged hand around his, he did not pull away.

  
Theodore’s skin felt cold and wrinkled in Draco’s grasp and he tried to concentrate on that fact instead of how his pulse raced in his veins. He recognized the look of longing in Theodore’s expression every time he looked at him because it is exactly how Draco felt inside, and although he knew that it was something that could never be, it didn’t stop Draco from wishing it were so. 

 

When Draco lie down in bet that night he stared at the high vaulted ceiling within his chambers in the dark and wondered what it might be like to be as free as Theodore was. He fantasized what his life might be if he was strong enough to make decisions for himself instead of the ones that his father made for him. When he closed his eyes he saw Theodore’s smiling face with wet rivulets of dark hair obscuring his eyes. He imagined his own hand reaching up to brush aside that hair and lingering against the side of Theodore’s face. He bit down on his bottom lip as he thought about kissing the other boy and pretended that Theodore’s mouth tasted like chocolate and sweet tea. Draco knew that these were dangerous thoughts. He could never reveal how he felt about Theodore to anyone, least of all, Theodore—No matter how badly he might want it. He wanted so many things that he could never have and in that moment, shielded by the cover of darkness, he wished for the first time that he were someone else.

 

Theodore Nott was sixteen years old the first time he kissed his best friend. They had spent the day lying beneath the cloying heat of a summer’s day down by the lake, cool lake water drying on their bare skin. It was the first and only time that Theodore Nott would ever coax Draco into the murky waters of Malfoy Lake. Of course Draco had put up a fight and protested loudly, but in the end he had managed to submerge himself waist-deep and even managed to look like he was enjoying himself. Lazy insects buzzed slowly overhead as they lie side by side in the grass, fingers twisted together in an embrace that spoke volumes without saying anything at all.

 

The entire day had played out exactly like the best of Theodore’s dreams, and by the time he worked up the courage to do what he knew he must, they were sitting beneath a large English Oak facing one another beneath a dying summer sun. When Theodore reached for Draco he did not shy away, and when his hands slid gently around the nape of Draco’s neck and cradled the back of his head it felt just like heaven to Draco.

  
Draco had also viewed this particular day as something similar to a dream. He hadn’t realized when he awoke that morning that he would be where he was at this precise moment, but he was tired of fighting and tired of telling himself that this was terribly wrong. When Theodore pulled him close and pressed their lips together Draco instantly knew that there was nothing else in the whole entire world that he would ever want more. The warmth that washed over him sent involuntary shivers racing down his spine and by the time Theodore pulled back, he was gasping with a realization that he could not deny in that moment.

 

For a long time Draco stared directly at Theodore, their foreheads pressed up against one another. He felt lost in the other boy’s imploring gaze and he knew that he would never drown in eyes that blue like he did in Theodore’s. There were so many things that Draco wanted, so many emotions that he was not prepared to deal with, but it didn’t matter. At least not in that suspended moment of time. When he looked at Theodore he saw understanding mirrored in his gaze and he wondered if he really could be the person that Theodore wanted or needed. He felt small and fleeting and when he couldn’t stand the thud of his own heart in his ears he pulled Theodore back to him; back home.

 

This kiss beneath a waning sun would set into motion, a series of events that Theodore Nott could have never predicted, and although he spent many days sharing stolen kisses with Draco, he wasn’t foolish enough to believe that it could last forever.  

 

Draco never told Theodore about the conversations he had had with his father. He was much too ashamed to admit that Lucius knew all about their secret relationship and that he forbade it. Lucius Malfoy did not raise his son to behave in such a way and he would sooner kill Draco than allow him to carry on in such a disrespectful manner. Every second of every day was like torture for Draco because he could not imagine a life without Theodore Nott in it, but he was afraid of a life without the protection of his father.

 

“You don’t mean that.” Theodore’s voice is strained because he feels like he has just been slapped in the face.

 

Draco was standing on his doorstep looking like a pained and out of place version of himself. He feels the weight of responsibility on his shoulders and it is crippling him just to keep himself standing. He had come to see Theodore, to tell him that this thing between them had to stop, that it wasn’t what he wanted, except he couldn’t look at Theodore and lie to his face and so he looked at his shoes instead and hoped that the other boy understood.  “It’s no use trying to change my mind.” Draco said as he raised his head to peer at Theodore defiantly.

  
More than anything Theodore wanted to scream. He had never expected much from this life, and he had never wanted to fall in love with his best friend, but now that he had it, he couldn’t imagine giving it up. He stared at Draco with hurt in his eyes, wondering how the other boy could be so weak, so malleable. He toyed with the idea of hitting Draco and he wondered if he would respond to that sort of treatment or merely brush it off like he appeared to be doing with Theodore. “I _know_ you, you don’t mean it.” Theodore opted for gentleness instead, and when he reached for Draco, Draco froze where he stood.

 

Theodore’s touch felt like wildfire, even through layers of clothing, and although Draco knew he should pull away, he couldn’t actually bring himself to do it. Before he could object Theodore had tugged him inside and ensconced him within his room at Luckington Manor. Draco felt like he was drowning as Theodore pressed him up against the bed and kissed him and he tried to ignore the salty taste of Theodore’s tears on his tongue. “This can never be.” Draco murmured against Theodore’s mouth, his own reservations already crumbling at his feet. “Then give me tonight,” Theodore replied with tears in his eyes, and when Draco nodded, it was all that he needed.

 

Suspended in time. That is how Draco felt as he lay there beneath Theodore, consumed by love and guilt and the overwhelming desire that ripped at his insides like a caged animal desperate to break free. He didn’t think about how perfectly Theodore fit against him or that things could never be this way. For the only time in his life Draco acted on impulse alone, and it is this exact emotion that found him staring up into those same disarming blue eyes whose whites had reddened from too many tears.

 

When Theodore guides himself inside of Draco he doesn’t have a clue what he is doing, but he doesn’t care. He wonders if he is hurting Draco even if he can’t stop long enough to ask. This moment would define him for the remainder of his life, even if he wasn’t really aware of that yet, and he planned on making the most of it. Draco felt like heaven and tasted like hell and every moment that passed felet like the end of his life. Theodore was consumed with love, overwhelmed by the emotion that had surpassed the moment and when he comes with Draco’s name lodged in his throat he knows that he has just given away every part of himself that there will ever be to give.

 

 

It is the dead of night when Draco carefully extracts himself from Theodore’s bed and his embrace. He is physically sore and mentally broken and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. When he steps through the floo in Malfoy Manor he has no idea how he is supposed to carry on with a life he never wanted to lead. He stands in the shower and cries beneath a torrent of hot water because he knows that he has just walked away from the one thing that he cannot live without.  Draco will never be the man that the people in his life want him to be. Not Lucius and certainly not Theodore.

  
The sun is barely peeking over the horizon as Draco walks silently across the dew-damp lawns towards the lake. He is so numb that he doesn’t feel the coldness that chills his skin and blood. The sky is a moody display of greys and deep purples as he stands on the wooden dock, staring down into the water that he has always been terrified of. The world around him is still sleeping when he takes that step off the edge and sinks beneath layers of liquid because he never learned to swim. The faint splash of water that he leaves behind is like a new day dawning, and just like the day before, Draco is out of time.

**Author's Note:**

> This is ALL Troye Sivan's fault.
> 
> *Shakes fist*


End file.
